What we get wrong about decisions
I am increasingly of the opinion that humans are really bad at understanding the nature of decisions.
The language of decisions isn't helping. It feels permanent. This ramps up the pressure, making people feel not just that they have to make the decision, but that the decision has to be perfect because it is definite and absolute.
But the truth is that the vast majority of decisions are not irreversible.
My wife is a big fan of etymology and I agree it is a brilliant way to unpick things, particularly so in this case:
The word decide comes from the Latin phrase dēcīdere, which literally means "to cut off". Online Etymology Dictionary
To cut off. That's pretty decisive. Not much coming back from that.
But that's a fundamental misunderstanding of the reality of decision theory.
Firstly, in the vast majority of cases, decisions aren't finite. They are reversible. Often not easily. Usually not without consequences. But reversible none the less.
But more importantly, this implies that decisions are singular. One decision - yes or no. All the chips bet on a coin toss.
But again, that is (almost always) not the reality. The truth of any big decision we are faced with is it is actually the culmination of tens of other smaller decisions, which we often don't pay attention to.
I am a big advocate of re-framing decision making in three important ways:
From "What's the decision I have to make?" to "What's the next step I need to take?"
From "I need to make the perfect decision" to "What would I do based on the information I have to hand right now?"
From "I don't have a choice" to "I don't have a consequence free choice"
#01. From Decisions to Next Steps:
Decision paralysis is real because when we put all the emphasis on the endpoint, it just feels too much. "Should I leave my job to pursue my passion?" is such a huge question that it is almost impossible to know the answer to.
So don't try. Forget that question and ask a different one. It's time to turn to the wisdom of Grand Pabbie Troll from Frozen 2:
Image: Brent Osborne, Medium
And suddenly options appear. I'll take several different smaller decisions.
Indulge me to share my personal story for a moment. When I was debating what I wanted to do with my career and how I could pursue my passion around difficult conversations, I focused on the next right thing.
The 1st decision I made was to sign up to a 2 day introductory course about therapy as a career. Not a decision to be a therapist. Not a decision to leave my job. Not a decision to upend my whole career.
A decision to understand what being a therapist might involve.
Other decisions were made as well. A decision to start listening to therapy podcasts (Esther Perel is the GOAT btw). A decision to chat with some people I knew who had become therapists.
All useful decisions that showed me a potential path forward...until I was faced with another huge decision.
Did I want to commit to 4 years (minimum) training to become a therapist?
Except that wasn't the decision I was being asked to make. That was my mind ramping up the pressure so all the stakes were on one single decision. Yes or no. Definitive. Finite. Going all in with all my chips on a single decision.
But that was just nonsense. Firstly, I literally couldn't decide to do 4 years training because I could only apply for my first year. Secondly, it suggested a single outcome that would determine the merits of the decision - become a therapist and love it as the best decision you've ever made...or regret it for the rest of your life?
#02. From Perfection to Progress:
I couldn't make that decision then. 2 years later, I still can't. I don't know. All I can do is make the best decision I can based on the information available.
And I don't have definitive information on how I will be. I've done role plays with my fellow learners. I've really enjoyed those. I've had some very positive feedback. But I've not done the real thing. I simply can't know definitively to make the perfect decision.
But I can make a progress decision. One that recognises what I've learned, how it has made me feel, the successes that I have had along the way and made me think, "yeah, on balance of probabilities this feels like the right thing to continue with". No guarantee of outcome. No certainty. Just a confidence that with everything I know right now, this is the right thing to do. And as I prepare to start the final 2 years of study in a couple of weeks, I will learn more information. Information that might make me feel less confident. Or more! That might impact my love and ambition for this new career.
And when I gather that information, I will use it to re-evaluate the decision I have made.
#03. From 'No Choice' to No Consequence Free Choice:
So often I hear people say "I have no choice. I've committed to something and now I feel trapped by it". Let me be clear, there are sadly far too many people in the world for whom that is true. They are trapped. They don't have choices.
But there are also many who are very fortunate to be in a situation in which we do have choices. They just aren't consequence free choices.
So let's imagine that new information comes in the next month that makes me feel like this is no longer the right thing for me to do. What do I do then?
This is certainly not a consequence free choice for me as anyone who has children at university will know! But that doesn't mean I don't have a choice. Our brains are working against us here. Sunk cost fallacy. Reversibility bias. There are real psychological reasons why we feel stuck. But when we step back and remember that we do have agency, we do have the ability to make a different decision, that is incredibly empowering. It can reduce the paralysis and enable us to move forward and make progress with our decisions.
So next time you are faced with a huge decision, my advice is to step back and just ask yourself, what is the next right thing that I can do based on the information I have to hand right now.
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